the end of an era

As of yesterday, my maternity leave is officially over. It was the last day of school.

Initially I was worried about taking a year off work. Was it in our best interest financially? Would my decision be well-received by others? Would my friends/family members who did not have the same luxury (or desire) still respect me? Would my coworkers welcome me back with open arms after taking an entire year off, while they continued working hard for students? Did it mean that I'm not a good teacher, because I desired to stay home more than having the opportunity to positively impact the lives of 25 children? How could I possibly go back...after being off for an entire year?

There were a lot of people who told me that they were so happy for me. That I'd never regret that decision to take a year off. And let me tell you, they were right. There has not been a single day where I thought, "Man...this is tough/boring/not what I thought it'd be. I'd rather be working."

I'm thankful for this time. The past 9 months hold the majority of my most treasured moments. I'm thankful for my husband, who wholeheartedly supported my desire to spend the year at home. I'm thankful to my school district, who allowed me to take this time off while guaranteeing that I'd have a position to come back to. I'm thankful to my building principal, who supported my decision, even though it's not something she ever would've done. She's placing me back in 3rd grade next year, and I couldn't be happier. I'm thankful for my girlfriends at work, who made an effort to get together with me at least once a month (if not once a week!) to ensure that I stayed a part of the group, and wasn't forgotten about. I'm thankful to my parents, that my own mom was able to stay home with me the majority of my childhood so that I could see how important that time was. I'm thankful to all the people who seemed so genuinely happy for me when I mentioned that I was staying home this year. I'm thankful to the MOPS group at church, who gave me a place to socialize with other moms since most of my friends were working. And most of all, I'm thankful to God, for providing this opportunity for me and my baby. It has been the biggest blessing I could've ever imagined.

There were times (especially in the early winter) when I dreaded going back to work. When I thought I'd resent my future students who would be "taking away" my time with my child. I confided in a friend about how much I didn't want to go back. How I was struggling with something that was still so far away. How I found myself thinking about my dread so much, that it was stealing the joy of what time I had left at home. We prayed together and she has continued to pray over me in the months since. And my feelings have changed. While I'd never choose work over staying home with Bryson, I find myself being a little more eager to get back in the classroom. To spend time with my coworkers, who are some of my best friends. To get back to the work I know I've been called to do.

It's going to be hard, especially at first. I'll probably cry when I drop him off for my first day of work. He and I will never have this kind of freedom again--the freedom to just be mom and son, with no other responsibilities other than playing, housework, and errands. There will always be some kind of schoolwork that could/needs to be done. But I've made the decision to manage my time a bit more wisely while at work, so that I can make the most of my afternoons, evenings, weekends, and school breaks. He will have fun in daycare and make lots of new little buddies. It will be good for him to be away from me for awhile each day.

For the next 2 months, I'll balance my time between Bryson and preparing for the school year ahead (with him getting much more of my time and energy than schoolwork, of course!) We'll spend our days enjoying summer vacation and the last bit of time we have left before August rolls around.

He'll never remember the time I was home with him for his first 9 months. But I will. And I'll be forever grateful for morning snuggles in our jammies, mid-week visits with grandparents, play dates with friends, Target runs with his little carseat in the cart, being okay with getting up multiple times a night because I didn't have to get up early work in the morning, sending pictures/videos to Ty at work, enjoying lunch time together every day, and witnessing all his sweet milestones so far.

Lord, thank you. Thank you so much. My soul needed this extra time with him. And thank you for also allowing me to recharge my teacher batteries in the process.

xoxo, wife (& mommy)