dear abby

Dear Abby,

I once heard someone ask a child, "What is love?" The child responded, "It's when your dog licks you all over your face...even after you left him home alone all day." The love that a dog shows their family is a love that is so pure, so forgiving, and so full.

It's been 5 days since we said goodbye to you. I was hoping I'd eventually have the right words to express everything I'm feeling, but it's not happening. So I'm just going to try to do my best, and recall all my best memories. We got you when I was 19 years old and still lived at home. You were so easy to train. In a large yard with no fence, you had an almost innate ability to know exactly where the property lines were. This was a sixth sense that you carried with you to your next two houses. You never wanted to wander to far away from me.

I remember taking you to Pet Smart in a little purse-carrier to get some supplies in your first days with us. You threw up in that carrier on the way home. I should've known then that you were a bit rotten!

I remember that Ty and I had been dating a few months at this time. He complained over and over that you weren't a "real" dog, because you were so small. But you eventually weaseled your way into his heart. When he would come over, I'd say, "Abby! Ty Ty's here!" and your tail would wag so hard as you ran to the door to meet him. You and I both had a feeling that he'd be around for the long haul.

I remember the day we moved out of Mom and Dad's. We thought we were two women taking on the world! Then night fell. I got scared when it was time to go to bed. I scooped you up, along with my car keys and a heavy flashlight...prepared to break the window, jump out, and head for the car, should a bad guy break in! You slept curled right up to my side. I felt safe knowing that you'd bark and let me know if anything was wrong. It was you and me against the world. We had each other, and that was all that mattered.

I remember teaching you the two tricks you knew how to do. It was so easy to train you! You learned how to shake in about 15 minutes, and how to lay and roll over in about an hour. However, you were often so excited for your treats that you would perform the trick without us even asking!

I remember when Ty and Bubba moved in after we got married. You were leery about having a cat in the house, but you openly shared your domain with these new boys. Ty and I hoped and wished for the day that you and Bubba would lay on the same couch together. While you guys never became BFFs, you did learn to tolerate, and maybe even like each other...a little. We often caught you guys laying near each other.

I remember how at our house on Main Street, you'd sit at the top of our little hill and watch the traffic go by. You were so good not to try to run away. or go too close to the busy road. Ty and I would sit out there with you during evenings early on in our marriage playing the Car, Van, Truck, SUV Game. The object? Guess what the next vehicle that drove by would be. We were poor newlyweds. This was our entertainment. You inspired that game.

I remember lots of movie nights, fort nights, and lazy mornings in bed snuggling you.

I remember sick days, when you wouldn't leave my side.

I remember trying all kinds of ways to contain you while we were at work. We tried the crate, which your broke your teeth trying to break out of, we tried the bedroom, where you ate the shades, we tried Bryson's room (before it was Bryson's room), we tried leaving you out and closing all the doors. You always kept us on our toes.

I remember dressing you up in all kinds of clothes. And you liked it. You'd lift your little paws and let me put whatever I wanted on you.

I remember you laying outside with me while I read.

I remember waiting out front with you for your dad to get home from work...especially in the summer.

I remember being so annoyed any time I had to ride in a car with you because you whined and yelped soooo loudly! But people in the cars next to us would always point and smile at you because of how cute you were.

I remember going on walks with you around the neighborhood several times a week that summer that Mom and I walked several miles a day.

I remember you sleeping on my pillow every night, unless Ty was out of town...then you'd sleep in his spot.

I remember the time I went to pick you up at the groomer and they gave me the wrong dog because there were three maltipoos in there that day. I was preoccupied with my phone, and didn't even realize they gave me the wrong dog until we got in the car and the "fake Abby" immediately jumped down to the floor of the car and laid there nicely. I knew right then that this was NOT my dog!

Speaking of the groomer, they always told me how well-behaved you were while you were there. Then when we would get home, you'd act so feeble the next few days. You would be so pathetic with your shaved body that we would give you all the extra snuggles!

I remember when I took you to the vet and he told me that you had a cataract. You were only 5 years old. I was so upset that I cried on the way home. I had no idea that eventually you would develop another one as well, and become completely blind. You adapted so well to your surroundings, and learned how to move around the house without sight. I always wondered if you remembered what I looked like. I hope so.

I remember how you always wanted to "make a bed" in any blanket, sweatshirt, or pair of jeans that happened to be laying around. You would dig and dig in it, moving the fabric around until it was to your liking before laying down to get comfortable.

I remember how you would sneak downstairs and eat Bubba's food...even though you were allergic to it. You were allergic to a lot of stuff. I feel bad that we were never able to completely figure out your allergy situation. But those Caddy injections worked wonders for a few years. They were so good in fact, that I didn't mind taking you to the vet once a month to get your shot...even though you didn't like going.

I remember telling you that you were going to be a big sister. I was really scared. But you were there to lay on my belly and comfort me.

I remember our last summer together. It would be just the two of us in bed every morning. I would say, "Good morning, Abby!" and you would run over and snuggle with me until we decided it was time to get up.

I remember bringing Bryson home for the first time. You had been on your own for several days and I felt awful. I couldn't wait to get home to you. We introduced you to your new brother, and you didn't really care. You were just glad we were home.

I remember how you would smell around before walking near the baby to make sure you weren't going to step on him. Even though he was the reason you weren't getting as much attention as normal, you knew he was special to us, and that he was fragile. You knew you needed to be careful around him.

I remember when you started pulling your hair out. It started with your rear end, and then moved up to your ear. You made your ear bleed so badly that I made an appointment to take you to the vet last Monday. I knew I wanted to have a serious talk with them about your quality of life. I never in a million years thought that they would agree that your quality of life was poor and would tell me that it might be time to say goodbye.

I remember walking out to pay for that appointment. I was in tears. Our favorite receptionist came around the counter and hugged me. Then she knelt down to pick you up and hug and kiss you. She was always so happy to see you when you'd come in...even though you were loud and yelpy! She would always greet us by name when we came in She told you that night that she had some special friends waiting for you near the Rainbow Bridge. I wonder if you're playing with them right now.

I remember feeding you as much junk as we could the next few days. You loved the venison sloppy joes, cheeseburger, ice cream, and endless treats you got.

I remember how on your last night, you spent time laying on both our pillows. Something you hadn't done in several months.

I remember having a long talk with you on your last day as I  brushed you and cut your bangs so they wouldn't be in your eyes. I dressed you in your favorite Notre Dame sweatshirt, as I told you everything I wanted to say. I apologized for everything I needed to apologize for. I thanked you for everything. I cried a lot.

I remember asking you if you wanted to go wait outside for Daddy to get home one last time. You quickly went right over to the stairs to go outside.

I remember hesitating with you in the parking lot at the vet's office. I didn't think I could do it.

I remember our last moments with you. Telling you what a good girl you were, and how much we loved you. We thanked you for loving us more than we could ever have loved you. I remember when the vet said you no longer heard a heart beat. They took you and wrapped you in your daddy's sweatshirt. You loved to lay in his clothes. They gave us one of your paw prints. It's sitting on the bookcase right now.

I remember carrying you out to the car. We took you to the new property, where our house is being built. You got to move there first. How special! I remember writing a message on your box while Ty dug a hole back by one of the bigger trees in our tree line. It's the perfect spot. I remember saying one final goodbye.

I remember crying and crying with Ty that night as we got ready for our first night without you. We didn't have to argue about who would let you out that night. We didn't have to lift you up on the bed. We found ourselves moving around you that night...even though you were no longer there. I didn't have to get up with you in the middle of the night.

I remember it all. And I'm so thankful for you. You were there for all of it...my very best and very worst moments. I could yell at you. I could ignore you all day while taking care of the baby. We could go out of town. We could leave you all day while we were at work. Yet you always had so much love to give. You forgave quickly and loved hard. So that little boy was right...love IS when your dog licks you all over you face...even after you left him alone all day. You showed us a great example of love. You showed us more love than we deserved. Up until your very last moments.

We will never forget you, sweet girl. You'll always be our first baby. I may eventually stop crying, but there will always be an Abby sized hole in my heart. Thank you...thank you for absolutely everything. I love you so much.

xoxo, mommy