Friday, June 29, 2012

sometimes i make {somewhat} irrational assumptions.

We all have things we're afraid of, right?
So I thought I'd share some of my fears and the assumptions that go along with them today.

- Whenever someone rings the doorbell and I'm home alone, I always assume it's an ax murderer. I almost never answer it. I'll even get down on the floor and crawl around so the person can't see that I'm home through the windows. No joke.

- If I have a headache, I typically assume it means I have a brain tumor.

-If I shop at Wal-Mart past 9pm, I assume that a rapist has crawled into my backseat while I was shopping, so I thoroughly check my car before I leave, but still find my blood pressure feeling a bit high until I get home alive and un-raped.

-If a car is following me and makes two of the same turns as I do, I assume this person is following me home to kill me.

- If I kill a spider in the bathroom, I assume it has laid its eggs in my bed and its babies will eat me in my sleep.

-If I leave a store without buying anything, I assume I'll be stopped at the door and asked to look in my purse, because they think I've shoplifted. I try to act totally innocent and walk out very slowly...and probably make myself look even more suspicious in the process.

-Any time I see a white car, I assume it's the police, and they're going to pull me over for going 3 mph over the limit. Okay...maybe more than 3 :)

-Whenever I walk over one of those sewer drain things, I assume that it will collapse and I will fall into the fiery pits of hell.

-When I'm getting gas, I take those little signs on the pump VERY literally. I assume that if I reenter my car to put my credit card away, I WILL create a spark upon retrieving the pump after I get out and will blow myself up. So I take extra precaution in de-static-ing myself by touching every metal surface I can find before I reach for the pump. That's right...I just made up a word.

-If I am within 100 feet of someone who is smoking, I assume that I will develop emphysema and lung cancer. So I shoot incredibly dirty glances at the offender, and cough incredibly loudly at them, trying to get my message across. As if that will actually cause the person to stub their cigarette out and embark on a smoke-free life.

-If I do not use the bathroom IMMEDIATELY before getting in bed at night, I assume I will pee in my sleep. Then I will have to explain to my husband why he is laying on wet sheets, and will never live it down. So I go right before bed. Every. Night.

- If I am riding in an elevator, I assume it will get stuck, and the other people inside will get to witness a crazy person have a heart attack while trying to make sure she gets all the oxygen before them.

-If I am using a step ladder, I assume that I will fall off of it and tumble 3 feet to my death. I sweat like a hog until I finish whatever it is that I'm doing, and climb down it slowly like a terrified child, vowing never to use a step ladder again.

I just realized how many of these I've actually shared...I think I may have gotten a little carried away, and now you all think I'm totally crazy. So I think I'll stop here for now. There may or may not be about 20 more of these...but you'll just have to make your own guesses on what they are.

What are some of your fears and assumptions?


  1. -I just realized I'm worried my wife has gone crazy...oh wait. :) Love ya babe!

  2. On my drive to therapy this morning I was thinking that maybe my shoulder isn't healing because I have a tumor in it. Just then my mind was distracted by a spider crawling on my windshield! As scared as I was, I used a tissue to kill it...because everyone knows spiders cause car accidents if left alive. I hate spiders so I couldn't keep the tissue in the car so I tossed it out the window. As the tissue left my hand, I glanced in the mirror and saw a white car following me. Of course I thought it was a cop who was going to give me a ticket for littering. I checked my speed and kept driving. After 3 miles and no flashing lights, I realized it wasn't the was a psychopath following me home to kill me! Thankfully when I pulled into the parking lot he missed the turn and kept going! Shaken, but needing to make it to my appointment on time, I got out of my car and went inside. I walked to the elevator and pushed the button. When the door opened I was very happy to see I was going to be the only person in it because I would get all the air to myself if it got stuck. Mom W.

  3. Hmm...I feel like maybe you might be making fun of me a little...

  4. Hahaha this whole thing just made me LOL!! Because? I totally think the same thing... about everything!! Hahaha Oh I miss you and want a date to catch up soon!!! :)